They’re remaking The Brady Bunch again. Spiderman was rebooted only five years after the last installment of the Raimi trilogy. Insubstantial Michael J. Fox vehicle Teen Wolf has been reimagined as a late night teen drama. Even Footloose got the “gritty reboot” treatment last year.
The remake machine is unstoppable. It will continue to indiscriminately devour cherished movies and shows from our childhood and the ones we never really cared for the first time around. It won't go away, leaving us little choice but to embrace it. In that spirit, I’ve compiled a list of twelve movies and TV shows that they might as well go ahead and remake, since they probably will anyway:
- Return of the Living Dead – give it the Dawson’s Creek treatment. Instant MTV series sensation.
- Star Wars – if nerd rage could kill, the Skywalker Ranch would already be a smoking hole in the ground. It’s not like starting over at the beginning could make it any worse. Oh, for pete’s sake. I just read that he’s actually already planning to remake the original trilogy. This is an actual thing that is actually going to happen.
- License to Drive – it doesn’t get much more inessential than this, making this a perfect remake vehicle.
- Mannequin – quick, someone start an internet petition to put Betty White into the Estelle Getty role.
- The Hunger Games – Who says two months isn’t long enough to wait before doing a reboot? There’s money to be made!
- Saved By the Bell – time to cash in on all that nostalgia. Bring back Screech as the new principal.
- Mr. Mom – we’re in a recession, so it’s relevant! They can cast Dane Cook as the stay at home dad.
- The Toxic Avenger – CGI that mother up.
- Family Ties – because ever more polarized Dems and Repubs need the sitcom treatment to show us all that we’re more alike than we think.
- Dirty Dancing – plans for a remake of this one were abandoned, but, they can still do this. Cast Justin Beiber as Johnny and Kristen Stewart as Baby.
- Howard the Duck – because the world needs more awkward sex scenes with alien ducks.
- Biodome & Encino Man - Hell, let’s just remake the entire Pauly Shore filmography and be done with it.